The ‘If Only’ Loop:
And Other Lies I Used to Believe
And Other Lies I Used to Believe
You’ve probably heard it—or thought it—more times than you can count:
"If only I were more confident..."
"If only I’d started sooner..."
"If only I didn’t mess things up..."
"If only I had more time, more energy, more courage..."
Those two little words—if only—can sound so harmless. But if you listen closely, they’re usually coming from one place: your Inner Critic. And she’s sneaky.
She doesn’t always show up as a harsh voice. Sometimes she sounds almost reasonable. Like a sigh. A shrug. A gentle nudge toward giving up.
But make no mistake—if only is just another way she keeps you stuck.
The Trap of "If Only"
At first glance, it sounds reflective. Realistic, even. But underneath? “If only” often carries regret, shame, and the slow erosion of self-trust.
It’s the voice of someone who’s spent years holding everything together. Who’s been shaped by caregiving, expectations, self-sacrifice, and a lifetime of being told to be grateful, be good, be quiet.
You don’t always hear her as cruel. Sometimes she whispers:
“I probably missed my window.”
“I don’t want to make things worse.”
“Maybe this is just how it is now.”
“I should be grateful for what I have.”
She’s Not Wisdom. Just Wounds Talking.
The psychologist Kristin Neff calls it “the backdraft of self-compassion”—that sting of pain that rises when you finallystart wondering what you want.
Because after years of putting yourself last, admitting you want more isn’t just bold—it’s vulnerable.
It means facing the grief of how long you’ve waited.
Not Broken. Just Human.
But none of that makes you broken.
You’re not lazy, unmotivated, or “too late.”
You’re responding exactly as someone would, shaped by a life of keeping the peace, playing it safe, and quieting your own voice.
And your Inner Critic?
She’s not truth.
She’s just a pattern.
A loud one, yes. But not permanent.
You Don’t Need Fixing. Just Freedom.
A 2020 study in Personality and Individual Differences found that people who struggle with self-compassion are more likely to ruminate on regrets. But here’s the good news: kindness—real kindness toward yourself—reduces that spiral. It builds emotional resilience. It creates space for possibility.
So when “if only” slips into your thoughts, you don’t have to fight it.
You can meet it with something softer:
“Of course I feel this way.”
And then maybe:
“What else might be possible from here?”
You’re Not Alone in This
A friend recently told me, “I’ve spent so much time managing other people’s needs, I don’t even know what I want anymore.” She didn’t sound bitter—just tired. And incredibly honest.
It reminded me how often we carry the weight of expectations that were never truly ours. And how “if only” can become a placeholder for all the unspoken things we wish we could change.
But noticing it? That’s where things shift.
There’s power in seeing our thoughts for what they are—not prophecies, just patterns. And every pattern can be softened, interrupted, or rewritten, with time and a bit of care.
So if your mind whispers “if only” today, know this: it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human. And you’re paying attention.
That’s a beautiful place to begin again.