Dear Reader,
Understanding the Empty Nest Syndrome
Isn't it a funny label? "Empty nester." I can't remember the first time I heard it, and I didn't really pay much attention at the time. But now, I hear it everywhere—in conversations with friends, on social media, in films and TV programs, and in podcasts—because it's now a "thing" in my life. It's like noticing the menopause or a red mini. Once it becomes relevant to you, you can't stop seeing it... or hearing about it!
The Essence of Being an Empty Nester
At its simplest, being an empty nester is that time when our adult children leave home. According to Merriam-Webster, an empty nester is "a parent whose children have grown up and moved away from home." You may find yourself missing the daily presence of your children, the energy they brought to the house, and the everyday interactions you took for granted. Suddenly, those moments are no longer part of your daily life, and the adjustment can be profound. This phase is more than just a change in routine; it's a significant life transition.
The Emotional Impact on Midlife Women
When your children leave, it can feel like a part of you is missing. The house that was once bustling with activity and noise is now quiet. The sense of loss can be overwhelming, and it's not just about missing your children. It's about missing the role you've played for so long. Your identity has been intertwined with being a mom, and now you have to figure out who you are without that daily caregiving role. It can be lonely, especially if you are a single parent.
Insights from Research
Interestingly, the term “empty nest syndrome” was first proposed in 1914 to describe the slide into depression that supposedly occurred for women after their last child left home. But research in the 1970s found that many parents actually feel a sense of relief and newfound freedom when their children leave. Marital relations often improve as couples have more time together without the interruptions of daily parenting duties.
"The transition to an empty nest can bring a new level of marital satisfaction
and opportunities for personal growth.",
according to Psychology Today.
While that sounds like a "happily ever after," it’s not always the case. Whether this new level of marital satisfaction is achieved or not, or whether you’re parenting alone, the impact of this significant life transition is often overlooked. The emotional shift of leaving one way of life behind—a mother, a career, a confidante, a friend, a companion—and moving to another, where the role is more at arm's length or distant, is deeply heartfelt although we typically wash over it. A few tears, a ‘pull yourself together’ moment, and then carry on regardless! It's no wonder we find ourselves struggling at such a time.
Who Leaves Whom?
These feelings are not only felt when children leave home but also when you lose a parent you've been close to, looked after maybe through their declining years. Or you make the change and leave your adult children behind. Are the transitional feelings similar?
I have a friend who moved abroad, leaving her 19-year-old daughter at university in the UK. Her daughter had already left home, and the move over 5000 miles away seemed a breeze. My friend, energized by the move, rationalized the situation, knowing she would be back regularly to visit and that her daughter would visit her.
But she missed the most important piece of the jigsaw—how subconsciously, she would be affected by this separation. Her emotions, in the background at first, got louder and louder as time went by. The guilt of leaving, the loss of the everyday connection, the sadness of missing key milestones, the fear of missing out! As these emotions started to grow, she found herself sinking unknowingly into depression and unhappiness. Her thoughts and conversations always focused on remembering the past, and she simply lost energy and purpose for her future.
Leaving home is indeed a change. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. It isn’t the events but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to accept and move on.
Embracing Endings and New Beginnings
Every significant change in life comes with an ending, and it's this ending that allows for a new beginning. When your children leave home, it's the end of an era filled with daily caregiving, shared moments, and a busy household. This ending can feel like a loss, but it's also the space where new beginnings take root. It's a time for self-reflection, a chance to rediscover who you are beyond the role of a parent.
In this quiet, you have the opportunity to explore new interests, reignite old passions, and redefine your purpose. This transition, although challenging, opens up a world of possibilities for personal growth and renewal. Just as a garden needs to be pruned to make way for new growth, our lives need to let go of the old to embrace the new.
It surprises me that we aren’t consciously made aware of our ‘life transitions.’ They are a constant in our lives from birth to death, and yet we don’t take care of our ‘emotional’ selves at such times.
Navigating the Transition
The journey of becoming an empty nester is one of those transitions. Each is deeply personal and varies for each woman, but remember… this change is inevitable, and you ARE in control of your transitional experience. You just need to learn how to navigate the transition process without it becoming a matter of gritting your teeth and missing out on your happy ever after.
A Poetic Reflection
I find it fascinating that what we hoped we would provide for our children, in the end, is the pain that proves the great job we have done.
**Roots and wings—
Give your children roots to come back to and wings to fly away.
We need them as much as our children.**
With love x
References
- Psychology Today. "The Empty Nest Syndrome: A New Opportunity for Marital Satisfaction."
- Merriam-Webster Dictionary. "Empty Nester."
- Bridges, William. "Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes."
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